“Alcoholics Anonymous”-a poem by Rheanna Neil

You party too much.

To the point where you have more alcoholic moments than sober moments.

More bruises than nights you can remember .

More hangovers than “hey let’s hang over there!” By the swings and drink lemonade,

Not Mike’s Hard but hard liquor.

Let’s chew on licorice sticks, you have the shortest stick, therefore you lose…take a shot,

Losing counts of brain cells, in a jail cell, puking.(mostly to get it out of your system)

Don’t remember the last night you hadn’t puked.

Feel stuck.

Like you’re in a routine…a hamster wheel that never ends.

Getting hammered, wake up hung-over.

Swear to never drink again! But you’re never true to your words.

You constantly drink. Drink at night, early morning, alone…always alone now.

When happy, when sad, when celebrating, when depressed.

A bottle of whiskey, days getting misty.

A little baileys, into jail he’s dumped you…

Onto cherry vodka and you think you need the liquor or you’ll just whither away.

Until suddenly you realize…

That you’re already gone.


50 Shades of Grey Soundtrack Review

50 Shades of Grey Soundtrack Review


Although the 50 Shades of Grey film was a letdown, the soundtrack to the erotic film sizzled in comparison. The soundtrack was the only part of the film that made me able to sit through the entire film. The soundtrack features music from Sia, Jessica Ware, Skylar Grey, Beyoncé, and electronic rock band AWOLNATION. Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” remix proves to be even better than the original. As it masters the sultry, sexy vibe , yet doesn’t lose the essence of the song. As if that wasn’t enough, a genius by the name of Boots remixes Beyoncé’s “Haunted” , a track he produced on Beyoncé, and while it doesn’t surpass the original, it comes awfully close.(Unfortunately both of Beyoncé’s songs off the soundtrack aren’t currently on Spotify.) The soundtrack almost sort of takes you through a musical journey featuring my must-listen-to-tracks which consist of:

1.) “Crazy in Love Remix”-by Beyoncé

2.) ‘I Put a Spell on You”-by Annie Lennox

3.) “Meet me in the Middle”-by Jessica Ware

4.) “Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix)”-by Beyoncé

5.)”Love Me Like You Do.”-by Ellie Goulding

6.) “Earned It (Fifty Shades of Grey)”-by The Weeknd

The 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack mixed classic oldies like Frank Sinatra remastered version of “Witchcraft”, and Annie Lennox’s hit “I Put a Spell on You”, as well as new music from The Weeknd (“Earned it”) and Ellie Goulding (“Love me like you do.) The magnificent combination of new and old songs is why I believe this may just be the soundtrack album of the year.


In December, 2014  I felt the need to do something for somebody else.  One of my instructors at BCIT in the Radio Arts and Entertainment Program, told the story of how her cousin was a former patient at the Riverview Mental Hospital in Vancouver. When the hospital was shut down, many patients including her cousin, had no choice but to live on the streets. Eventually, my instructors cousin turned to drugs to cope with everyday struggles homeless people have to deal with. Finally she told us about this one day that she went to the downtown eastside to visit her cousin. He was having an overdose, and she held his hand while he took his last breath.

This story hurt my whole heart.

Later on we discussed, as a class, that it would be beneficial to have private out door showers available to the homeless population

One of my classmates spoke up and said something like “People are too selfish to do anything about it.”

Which made me start to think. I was not too selfish to do something about it. And I wanted to test it out to see if people would step up, in regards to the homelessness issue Vancouver has faced for many years. So I decided to start a social experiment called “#SHOWER2EMPOWER.” I made a short documentary style video of me, helping a homeless women get to a clean shower, by paying for a hotel room for her for a night. Then I took her out for dinner to get to know her better. Then I nominated three people to do something for someone in need and tag their friends on social media by using the hashtag #shower2empower.

Homelessness may be one of those things that we will never find a solution for. However, I believe with all my heart, mind and soul, that humanitarianism and the realization that if we all do something to help those in need can make a difference.

Slapped-Episode 14


Summer 2013 I lost some weight and was feeling surprisingly more confident than usual. It was one of my friend’s birthday celebrations on the weekend and I purchased an expensive, dress online for the occasion.(And to impress the longshoremen of course! ) One of the longshoremen’s friends was having his birthday at the same venue, so as usual, we arranged to meet there to all party together. My friend likes to go all out for her birthday and I love that! I think it is important to celebrate birthdays in a grand way since some people don’t get that many birthdays.

Anyways, she got us all to pitch in for a party bus to take us to the club, which dropped us off right in front of the venue. As soon as we got there we went straight to our usual spot; upstairs in the lounge area by the bar. When the longshoremen arrived he kissed me hard and raved about how amazing I looked in the dress. Graspingly clutching his hand I walked around to introduce him to my friends. After some dancing and drinking he let’s me know that he’s going to go find his friends to bring here and that he’ll be right back.
Politely I acknowledge him, knowing he would come back.
Hoping he would come back… All my friends were with their boyfriends or off who knows where. So I started sending out those mass “where r u?” texts to all my friends…

No response.

Truthfully, all I wanted at that moment was to find the longshoremen and spend more time with him. At this point he had been gone for a long time. So I decided to look for him… Immediately I thought he might be outside of the club smoking. (I hated that he smoked. But at least he hated it too and was trying to quit.)

I looked all around outside and couldn’t see him, then suddenly I spotted him a bit down the street with some guys.
They were walking away from the club, down the street.
Was he leaving…? I wondered. There’s no way he would just leave without saying goodbye first… I thought this, as curiosity took over my body and made my legs move faster up the street. I anxiously tried to catch up with him, however they were walking way too fast and I was in heels. In this moment I felt like I was dreaming.

Looking back on this moment hurts because I knew there was no going back.

I was in love with this man. To the point where I was physically chasing after him, even though he didn’t feel the same way about me. I think that’s the saddest thing. That I looked at him like he was the only star in the universe, and I know in my heart he didn’t feel the same way. Now he was too far gone. And I cried.
I sullenly walked back to the club, as tears streamed down my cheek.
All I could hear was the whistles and catcalls in the distance.

A little while later I got back to the club, and I found one of my best friends. She saw me crying so I told her everything.

“It’s okay, calm down. I just saw him outside. Let me go talk to him on your behalf though.” She always has my best interest in heart. And I was in no place to talk to someone rationally at this point in the night, so I let her. I’m still unsure what she said exactly but whatever she said made him come over to me, to make sure I was alright.

“Hey you, what’s wrong!?” He said.

“You left, and I just need you here with me now.” I replied, as he wiped the tears off my face. One thing I’ve learnt, after all of this, is that story’s always look different from someone else’s eyes. In my eyes, we were in love. In his eyes, he knew damn well, that he was going to hurt me.

“Enough of this drama, let’s go dance.” The longshoremen grabbed my hand, and escorted back into the club.

After a couple of hours of dancing we decided to go out for some much-needed fresh air.
Suddenly, out of nowhere the longshoremen gets slapped hard in the face. So hard that his phone goes flying out of his hand, and smashes into pieces onto the pavement. I guess he was supposed to make an appearance at his friend’s birthday but came to see me instead. Which made me feel kind of special. Then he grabbed my hand and we jumped in a cab to go back to his place to get away from all the drama, or so we thought…

I’ll explain this one the best I can…it’s just really painful…

Men & Women -poem by Rheanna Neil

I am a woman and I fear most men.
Because I hear about the same thing over again.
Richardson, Gomeshi, and Cosby accused of rape.
Something those women will never get to escape.

“She was asking for it…!”
“Well, what was she wearing..?” Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!? Shit, now I’m swearing.
A woman should be able to wear whatever the fuck she wants on her body.
Without getting taken advantage of if she has one too many and gets a lil sloppy.

I’m tired of guys asking for “nudes” and think that’s okay.
While girls walk down the street carrying purses with pepper spray.
“If a guy buys a girl a drink, she’s obligated to go to his place.”
No, she’s not and the fact some people believe that is a disgrace.

Sexual assault is an issue that’s not going away.
And it’s not just women who are affected by the way.
Someone in the world is sexually assaulted every ten minutes.
May be why people are rushing to STD clinics.

Comedian Louis CK said that “men are the worst thing that ever happened to women.”
Well, then women must be the best thing that ever happened to men.

Women gave birth to every person on the planet.
So, why are men treating women this way I don’t understand it…

“Life in Colour”-Episode 13 (Part II)


As we made our way through the crowd, into the mosh pit of ravers I looked up at the longshoremen. I could tell that he wasn’t sure about this….

We got closer to the front of the stage and I started to feel more excited, but kind of worried at the same time. I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea it was going to be one of the best nights of my life!

The countdown was getting closer and closer…. 5…4…3…2…1

At around count 4 the longshoremen told me to go on his shoulders. I asked if he was sure and he just turned me around and picked me up. When I got onto his shoulders it wasn’t long till I was head to toe drenched in paint. Listening to some of the most talented DJ’s in the world. And by now I was starting to feel the liquor kick into my system.

Occasionally, I would look down at the longshoremen to make sure he was doing alright. If he needed to put me down to take a quick break I would jump down. He rarely ever took a break.

This was the second thing that made me fall in love with him.
The fact that he had me on his shoulders for pretty much the entire night.

The third thing was the way he looked at me. His eyes pierced my heart and made me think he was in love with me. After the concert the longshoremen welcomed all my friends and their boyfriends to come back to his place to shower off all the paint. This was the fourth thing that made me fall for him.

He was being so affectionate towards me, and so sweet to all my friends.
I felt on top of the world.

When we got to his place we showered off the paint. The longshoremen let all my friends and I borrow some of his clothes to take home.

This was the fifth and finally thing he did that made me fall for him…

The whole night he was a complete gentlemen and then made love to me all night.

That’s what he called it, making love. Why would he say that!?
He wasn’t in love with me so why would he call it that.
What I don’t understand is how he could toy with my emotions like that and feel nothing.

The longshoremen is the worst person I have ever met…

And also the best.
I’ll explain…

“Life in Colour”-Episode 13 (Part 1)


I will never, ever forget this night. Saturday September 7th, 2013.
The night I fell in love with the longshoreman. Parts of the night, I have to admit, are a little distorted. However, I remember exactly how I felt. I bet I showed it too.
There’s this distinct look that a women gives a man when she is head over heels in love with him.
She’s usually looking up at him, smiling with her eyes. Envisioning what it would be like to spend the rest of her life with this person.

I was giving this particular look to the longshoreman the entire night.
It was the night of “Life in Colour.”
If you are unfamiliar with this event, it is basically an electronic music concert, where you get drenched in water-based paint.
I highly recommend going!
To this day it was the best night of my life, thus far.

A bunch of my friends were going to the concert, and I really wanted the longshoreman to come with me.
Since I started developing substantial feelings for him, I decided to invite him, and buy the ticket for him for his 26th birthday.
Now, I surely didn’t have to pay for his ticket. I mean, he makes way more money than I do. But I was falling in love with him.
I knew I couldn’t buy him anything he couldn’t already buy for himself.
I wanted to get him an experience.
Something he never would have even considered going to.

Honestly, I don’t even think he will ever forget this night…

Dressed head to toe in white, we headed to Life in Colour.
On our way there, we picked up the longshoreman.

He looked so good!

Like I said , I’ve grown up since the longshoreman and I’ve realized, looks fade. Now I know if a guy doesn’t treat you like somebody who matters, move on. He doesn’t care.
At the end of the day, at the end of it all. You just want someone who cares, and makes you laugh.

I may have been in it for the wrong reasons…

I loved his looks. I’m pretty sure he knows he’s good looking.
That is most likely, the main reason he gets with lots of girls, and then strings them along.

He makes quite a bit of money, at a young age, and he didn’t really have to work very hard, to get where he is.
To become a longshoreman you need to have family working there already. Then they can get you a job making $70,000 to $90,000 a year. Right out of high school. However, you have to know people in the industry. Just like the career I am pursuing, Broadcast Journalism.

He’s charming, and good looking with money.
No wonder girls fall head over heels. For me, however, those weren’t the main reasons I fell in love with him.

I need and want to be clear on this.

I fell in love with the way he talked about his mom, how he interacted with kids, his eyes….And most of all, I think I simply just wanted what I couldn’t have.

This night, there were five things that the longshoreman did that made me realize that I was in love with him.

As soon as we got inside the venue, the longshoreman began asking all my friends and I if we wanted any drinks from the beer gardens.
This was the first thing he did that made me feel the love.

He didn’t have to pay for my friends drinks whatsoever! But he did, and I was so grateful. After we got our drinks we went out into the crowd.

The countdown for the “Paint blast” was in commence…

To be continued…..



Oh, I was in love with him. I know that for a fact. I would have done anything for him. And he hurt me more than anyone else in this whole world, whom I’ve ever met. However, he also taught me a lot ,and it took awhile for me to realize this…..
I grew up because of him.
I found out that I’m one of those people that could be kicked to the curb by someone consistently, and still believe they are a good person.

I still think the longshoreman is a good person. Hurt people, hurt people.
I believe that he was hurt by some girl, once upon a time.
Maybe I’m a fool for thinking this way. Or maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic.

Blackout-Episode 12

It was now August 2013…I had almost forgot to mention that the next day, after the Poker night, I had to be in “Galliano” on Vancouver Island.

My best friend and I were going away for the weekend with my family. Quietly, I snuck out of the longshoremen’s place, so I wouldn’t wake him up. Altogether, I really wanted to avoid that awkward conversation.
I knew he didn’t love me. Even though he said it. And, I knew I loved him. Even though I didn’t say it.

Once we got off the ferry and we got settled into the cabin he messaged me:

hey how’s your hangover? Lol
A week after the “I love you” incident I was supposed to go out with the longshoremen. However, everyone was talking about this huge party that was happening in Burnaby.
All my friends were going, and they informed me there was no way I was missing out on this. This party was a party out of a movie! It was in this guys backyard, and there were tons of people who I knew.
There was a pool filled with glow sticks and blow up dolls.
And there were treadmills…..
(I didn’t really understand this) It was one of those moments, when the real event triumphs your expectations.

Usually my expectations are much higher, which results in my utter disappointment.

This was not the case.

However, I was fairly sober, and as I looked around everyone was on drugs. Everyone.
To make matters worse, out of the corner of my eye, I spot “Virginity Stealer.”(sure that name works…I guess)

Great. Just great.

I could feel my throat clenching up. You know the feeling right before you know you’re going to start crying. You get chills down your spine, tears build-up, and you’re gasping for breath. That feeling. My body started the “fight or flight” reaction. “Flight”. I thought, definitely “flight.” I need to get the hell out of here, I thought.

Right now!

But first, I really wanted to talk to the longshoremen. So I called him up to see if he could come to the party.
He was all the way in Maple Ridge at another party, so unfortunately he couldn’t make it.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” He asked. “Come to the beach with me and the hockey player!”

He had never asked me to do anything with him, besides dinner, drinking and just hanging out at his place! I was elated so of course I said yes. I left the party after that. Sadly, it wasn’t really a party for me. I needed the longshoremen to be there and he wasn’t. The next day the three of us went to Kits Beach. I guess they had planned to drink at the beach, because I noticed a large, red cooler by their brightly coloured towels.

The longshoremen mixed up a drink for me and we just laid on the beach, listened to music, went swimming, and talked. Probably one of the best beach days. Time went by, and we kept drinking. Until 5′ o clock happy hour because we were all quite intoxicated at this point. Mutually, we decided to get a quick bite to eat. Then the game plan was to go back to the longshoremen’s to shower off the salty ocean water…Play card games, pre-drink then head to the bar for even more drinks.

This had to have been the drunkest I had ever been. Drinking all day and all night is way too much for me to handle.
If my memory serves me correctly, we got to the bar and the longshoremen and his friends started ordering rounds of drinks, and shots.


I had never blacked out before this night, and I have to say I’m not fond of it at all.
You got to admit, it’s pretty scary.
That a substance can take control over your entire body and erase parts of your memory that you’ll never get back. The next morning, after a blackout is one of the scariest things.
Especially when you have no idea where you are…

As I opened my eyes, I saw the back of the longshoremen’s head and as I looked down I noticed I was wearing my clothes from the night before. Which felt very strange, because I’m not used to sleeping with a lot of clothes on. I started trying to piece the night together. I could barely remember anything. Then I began to think about the longshoremen’s night. He must’ve had to look after me the whole night. He probably carried me into the house. He obviously left my clothes on and he tucked me into bed.

I was feeling it. That overwhelming, uncontrollable, unsettling, wondrous feeling. I don’t know why?
I’ll try to explain…

The Drunken ‘I love you’ -Episode 11

The note explained that I didn’t think that I could do this anymore.
That I had been hurt already and that I constantly had the feeling that he would disappoint me again.
I kept re-writing and re-wording what I wanted to say until I finally felt like I told him everything.
The next day he messaged me saying that he wanted to talk to me.
Now I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. As soon as I walked inside I saw the note on the table.

“So you don’t wanna see me anymore?” He began…
His eyes looked at me dead on when he asked.

No, I do!” I said,

And I did, and I don’t know why.
I explained to him that I would rather be near him and risk the chance of him hurting me again (which he said he wouldn’t) than not spend time with him.
The longshoremen hugged me after I said this and as soon as he touched me I felt a couple of tears fall down the side of my cheek.
When he touched me like that I would go insane.
He kissed me on the forehead.
Then asked if I was hungry.

Friday night arrived and everyone was going out. I thought I would ask the longshoremen if he wanted to come and bring some single friends for my single friends.
He texted back promptly like he always did.

“hey you I’m close by actually, I’m at my uncles place playing poker tho.”

I told him how I wanted to see him, and he wanted to see me so he arranged to cab me out to his uncles place for family/poker night.
His family was really sweet offering, drinks, and food. And I was just drinking, learning poker, looking at the longshoremen’s cards, talking to his aunt, getting along with his niece….I loved it! Just being next to him.
We stayed up all night. Gambling and drinking and at one point his uncle wanted to show me his antique car which was supposedly in mint condition.

The car was a beauty. I have to admit.

“Go inside!” His uncle highly suggested.

So I hopped in, and they started taking photos of me! Telling me how amazing I looked in the car.
Then the longshoremen suggested I get on the hood of the car.
Photos continued to be taken and I started to get a little more confident, especially with all the positive feedback I was getting.
It was entertaining actually.

“Babe you look so hot in these!”

The longshoremen showed me a bunch he had taken on his phone.
“I’ll send them to you.” He said.

By now it was 5am. We needed to go home. I needed to be alone with him. So we said our goodbyes, got waters for the road, and called a cab.
When we got into the cab we didn’t even say hi to the driver. We just started making out.

“I wann make love to you. Causeee I love you.” I love you.”

I didn’t say it back. He was drunk, I was buzzed. It didn’t mean anything.
It wasn’t right. However my brain just kept repeating over and over how drunken words are sober thoughts. Maybe he’s too shy to tell you when he’s sober.
And the smartest thought; wait till the morning, remind him what he said, and then you can see his sober reaction.

So the next morning I told him.
He nods, smiles, laughs and says
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t know.”

The longshoremen had a severe communication problem that even I can’t explain….