The last night I went out with his friends was a casual night. Just hanging out at his place; drinking beer, playing video games, and laughing at his friend. The last friend of his that I met is who I call “The nice guy” because he was just a genuinely good guy, who always stood up for me. The longshoreman always wanted to go out drinking on the weekends, and I was okay with that. But sometimes it would’ve been nice if we could just stay in. Smoke a little, watch some funny movies and order a pizza or something. However, he was almost an alcoholic, so he always wanted to go out drinking. “Why don’t you ever do something else with this girl besides go out clubbing?” His friend asked him.
I was impressed by how he knew exactly what I was thinking.
“Well, we can stay here if you want? Or do you want to go dancing?”
The longshoremen asked me….
I could never turn down a night of dancing with him.
In the club, while we were dancing together, his eyes pierced my soul and he said:
“That’s what I like about you!” Immediately I asked what he meant. And he simply said “never mind” and kept dancing. A part of me still wonders what he was going to say that night. While we were driving back home in the cab I lay my head on his shoulder. Then he pushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead. Unknowingly I spent my last night at his place. And we made love for one last time. Days go by and I hardly hear from him. Then a couple of weeks go by and I bring up the courage to send him this: “I don’t get, why you never want to see me.”
“Sorry…it’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like? No response. For weeks. And I still had some of my stuff at his place.
I couldn’t believe I could let the same guy break my heart for a second time. The longshoreman despised confrontation, so I knew I had to go over to his place to get my stuff back and tell him what I needed to say. My heart was racing as I walked up to his door. And as he opened it, my heart stopped. The person I loved was gone. He was a different person.
Or maybe I was finally seeing the real him for the first time. I didn’t like what I saw. I grabbed my stuff from his apartment and we talked for a bit. He said something like:
“I thought you knew what this was?”
Or “Didn’t you know I was going to hurt you?” Of course I didn’t. Or else I wouldn’t have been in this situation. At this moment there was nothing left to say. I couldn’t waste anymore of my energy on him. It wasn’t worth it. So I got up and cried all the way to my car. And never looked back. My relationship with the longshoreman taught me so much.
It takes awhile for me to trust people now, because people will say anything that they think you’ll want to hear. I have no regrets, because I never would have found the strength to love myself for exactly who I am. And I never would have found the joy that writing brings me if I never met the longshoreman.
Without the longshoreman this story would not exist.
I miss him sometimes and I don’t think you ever stop missing someone you’ve loved. Or maybe I just miss the memories, not him.
I hate leaving things, with words left unsaid. This is the last thing I want him to know:
“You were the first person to break my heart. Don’t forget that for the rest of my life you will always be the one that hurt me the most. And I don’t think I’ll ever fully let you go. But I have finally moved on and I am the happiest I’ve ever been. So thank you,for breaking my heart.”