The note explained that I didn’t think that I could do this anymore.
That I had been hurt already and that I constantly had the feeling that he would disappoint me again.
I kept re-writing and re-wording what I wanted to say until I finally felt like I told him everything.
The next day he messaged me saying that he wanted to talk to me.
Now I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. As soon as I walked inside I saw the note on the table.
“So you don’t wanna see me anymore?” He began…
His eyes looked at me dead on when he asked.
No, I do!” I said,
And I did, and I don’t know why.
I explained to him that I would rather be near him and risk the chance of him hurting me again (which he said he wouldn’t) than not spend time with him.
The longshoremen hugged me after I said this and as soon as he touched me I felt a couple of tears fall down the side of my cheek.
When he touched me like that I would go insane.
He kissed me on the forehead.
Then asked if I was hungry.
Friday night arrived and everyone was going out. I thought I would ask the longshoremen if he wanted to come and bring some single friends for my single friends.
He texted back promptly like he always did.
“hey you I’m close by actually, I’m at my uncles place playing poker tho.”
I told him how I wanted to see him, and he wanted to see me so he arranged to cab me out to his uncles place for family/poker night.
His family was really sweet offering, drinks, and food. And I was just drinking, learning poker, looking at the longshoremen’s cards, talking to his aunt, getting along with his niece….I loved it! Just being next to him.
We stayed up all night. Gambling and drinking and at one point his uncle wanted to show me his antique car which was supposedly in mint condition.
The car was a beauty. I have to admit.
“Go inside!” His uncle highly suggested.
So I hopped in, and they started taking photos of me! Telling me how amazing I looked in the car.
Then the longshoremen suggested I get on the hood of the car.
Photos continued to be taken and I started to get a little more confident, especially with all the positive feedback I was getting.
It was entertaining actually.
“Babe you look so hot in these!”
The longshoremen showed me a bunch he had taken on his phone.
“I’ll send them to you.” He said.
By now it was 5am. We needed to go home. I needed to be alone with him. So we said our goodbyes, got waters for the road, and called a cab.
When we got into the cab we didn’t even say hi to the driver. We just started making out.
“I wann make love to you. Causeee I love you.” I love you.”
I didn’t say it back. He was drunk, I was buzzed. It didn’t mean anything.
It wasn’t right. However my brain just kept repeating over and over how drunken words are sober thoughts. Maybe he’s too shy to tell you when he’s sober.
And the smartest thought; wait till the morning, remind him what he said, and then you can see his sober reaction.
So the next morning I told him.
He nods, smiles, laughs and says
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t know.”
The longshoremen had a severe communication problem that even I can’t explain….